Hellooo '10s (aka re-90s)

So, I just realized that ringing in 2010 and the start of a new decade means bringing back the 90s!  Yup, the ‘00s meant the 80s were the retro thang, which was AWESOME for me coz the 80s were effin WICKED.  “But Aimee,” you interrupt, pondering the fact that I’m an ’87 baby.  Yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking… but no seriously, I know the 80s rocked coz I partied hard with River Phoenix in my past life.  Halloween 87 musta been one helluva rave for me to OD like that… but s’all good coz I got reborn just in time to catch the next episode of Alf.  And Growing Pains.
 
So ya, thanks 00s for letting me relive the 80s what with my shutter shades, bangles, off the shoulder cut-off tees, leg warmers, wristbands and side ponytails.  Oh also, it really helped having the 80s be the retro fad since I have giant hair and always will.
 
As much fun as that was, reliving the 90s is gonna be supa-fly and I am sooo excited coz frankly, I ain’t never left it behind.  All through university, when they’d randomly play a 90s novelty song at some pub or whatever people would be all “Omigosh, ‘Jump Around’?!” or “Dayam, ‘Bust a Move’?!” or “Say what, ‘Push It’?!  I haven’t heard this song in ages!”  I’d be the only one thinking to myself, “Oh snap, this just came on my mp3 player this morning!”
 
Let’s get one thing straight people: “Shoop” is my muthaluvin ANTHEM.  I been bustin those rhymes since the song came out and haven’t stopped yet.  Proof, on my Facebook there’s definitely a video of me busting it out to some sweet djembe… last March.
 
If you didn’t realize that this is the decade that the 90s are supposed to be coming back… you probably haven’t noticed it already slowly happening what with the ridiculous novelty songs that are playing on Top 40 hit radio stations.  Yo, I don’t even know who does that Hall & Oates ‘Rich Girl’ cover, but  “clink, cheers” and “saw you on my Facebook profile” are definitely not your run-of-the-mill mainstream hits we’ve been used to in the past 10-20 years.  I don’t eeeeeeeeven need to mention Tik Tok, I think I ran enough of that in a previous blog entry.  Oh and the Lady Gaga outfits?  Isn’t that just reminiscent of when Cher came back in the 90s and people were like, “what’s she doing with straws coming outta her head?” At very least Lady Gaga’s novelty outfits must have at least reminded you of Flava Flav craziness back in the day?
 
Also, Saturday Night Live is just starting to get funny again!  This hasn’t happened since the 93-94 cast… oh how I miss the days of Chris Farley interviewing Paul McCartney or Chippendale dancing next to Patrick Swayze, or Mike Myers strapped to a jungle gym or sitting in a bathtub with Danny DeVito showing ‘drawww-rings’.  And even if you don’t say it out loud, you know sometime in the past couple of years you’ve thought Andy Samberg is just a remixed Adam Sandler SNL circa 1994.  People are just remembering how much they enjoyed musical spoofs.
 
Speaking of which, musical theatre and talent shows are also reaching their fad peak as they did in the 90s. All of a sudden we’re seeing things like High School Musical, Nine, and Glee.  Remember when it was cool to sport a Cats t-shirt, or know the entire score of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat?  Okay, maybe not “cool” but frighteningly commonplace.  
 
Idol and ’s Got Talent and So You Think You Can Dance is a callback to Star Search.  We all know the winners of these competitions will usually be destined to fade into oblivion just like 4 Boys And A Babe.  Who? Exactly.  Oh, but for the select few who move on to have a thriving career may go crazy after a few years and start marrying douchebags who think they can rap, having two babies with said douchebag, then nearly dropping said babies in front of paparazzi, then finally cracking under the pressure and shaving off all her hair.  Nyiii.  Ooh!  But then maybe she’ll stage a huge comeback at the dawn of the new decade releasing some decent clubbing tunes but by then you’ll be too ashamed to admit you like that stuff coz c’mon, it’s Whitney Grears (name changed to protect the artist).
 
Ohhhhhh 90s bubblegum popstars.  That’s what I’m looking forward to… seeing what’s gonna come out of the woodwork.  We already got the Jonas Brothers.  But I see your 1 one boyband and 1 member who has decided to go solo… and raise you Justin Bieber.  Wow, who knew the reincarnation of a 10 year old Aaron Carter would actually have talent.  Kudos my little Stratford munchkin.  He’s the little Youtuber that could *tear*
 
At this point, you can’t tell whether I’m praising or sarcastically bashing people… but lemme tell ya, neither can I.  Come on, we all have our secret guilty pleasure soft-spot for mainstream fluff.  As I’ve typed this, a multitude of 90s teeny-pop has come up on my iPod… ‘Back Here’ by BB Mac (not to be confused with ‘Back for Good’ by Gary Barlow and crew… I don’t remember what that 90s boyband was called- but basically it’s that video that I’m sure y’all tucked away in the back of your mind that’s in black and white and it’s raining).  Oh, this one’s a good one- ‘Sunrise Goodbye’ did Take 5 even have a hit single?  That’s sad.  Oh, they shouldn’t be confused with 5ive- which, I still argue should have been pronounced “five-ive”.  Oh and of COURSE, some classic BSB.  Actually, the Jonas Brothers used to open for the Backstreet Boys… so maybe regurgitating 90s pop is a vicious cycle being perpetuated by the music industry and every generation is destined (or doomed) to live through a decade of teeny-bop pop! GASPFACE!  Wait, so who opens for the Jonas Brothers now?  Honor Society?  Oh snap, apparently your kids will make that a household name in 20 years.
 
Bwaaaha!  You won’t believe it, but LFO just came up on my iPod! Remember them? Ya, me neither.
 
You might be wondering what suddenly inspired this thought process.  Well, slap this on Craigslist Missed Connections if you’ve been hating this rant, coz it’s all thanks to Girl on TTC Bathurst 7 bus wearing Spice Girl platform shoes!  I’m talkin’ the ones that are 4 inches thick all the way around with no semblance of a heel.  It basically looks like she glued a foam brick to the bottom of her sole.
 
Oh man, so many things spell classic 90s, which leads me to wonder… what stands out in the 00’s?  When it comes time for the 00’s to be the “Retro” revisit, how will we know the 00’s are back?
 


Classic 90s:
80s spillovers: fluorescent clothing spillover, family sitcom spillover, the most awesome rock ballads known to man spillover, old skool rap spillover (Gangsta's Paradise, WUT. I did my gymnastics floor routine to that tune, bitch)

Alllll 90s:
pastel-coloured velvet-y tops, novelty songs (think Sir Mixalot, Salt n Pepa), boybands, tweeny pop ruled the charts, baggy pants, said baggy pants WITH chain, said baggy pants with chain AND Caterpillar construction boots, exposed midriff, tying t-shirt into a knot at the bottom, or using a plastic belt buckle to create the same effect, for lazy adults or incompetent kids, scrunchies, stretchy headbands, plastic stretchy headbands with the link at the back, butterfly clips, mood rings, flare pants... I should talk about guy stuff now, or at least unisex stuff... WWF pre-World Wildlife Fund dilemma, Are You Afraid of the Dark, wearing sports team merchandise, wearing your hat backwards, then sideways, then at a 45-degree angle, overalls (yeah, we all regret that one), neck chains, Tommy Hilfiger (before he went onto Oprah and the world discovered he was racist), plaid shirts (mmm baby I am SO glad it's back, WHOA!), wearing said plaid shirts around your waist, ripped knee jeans (okay, basically I'm just describing Joey Lawrence on Blossom), motorcycle jackets *drool* the list goes on, but it gets too sexy from here on in, so just wait for it. Re-90s. Coming to you in 10...11...12...